


the house felt so big

by AnotherGayEllen



Series: what the hell would i be without you? [2]
Category: Falsettos - Lapine/Finn
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Brief mention of suicide ideation, Dad Mendel, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear of Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced HIV/AIDS, Marvin is still alive, More specifically 5 days after whizzer's death, POV Jason (Falsettos), POV Second Person, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:34:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26591464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnotherGayEllen/pseuds/AnotherGayEllen
Summary: You can’t keep still and you can’t stop crying and you can’t stop thinking.Everyone’s going to die they’re all going to die or they’re all going to leave you. You’ll be alone. You’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbeou’llbealone.Or; after Whizzer dies, Jason can't get it out of his head that everybody's going to leave him. Thankfully Mendel is there to talk him through it.
Relationships: Jason & Mendel Weisenbachfeld
Series: what the hell would i be without you? [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1934221
Comments: 11
Kudos: 20





	the house felt so big

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING
> 
> tw for description of something resembling a panic or anxiety attack and for mentions of suicide ideation

You hug your pillow tight until it physically hurts, trying to do anything to get yourself to stop shaking. Your whole body is trembling and you can hardly breathe through your desperate sobs, you can feel your pillow getting wet.

You want to stop, you’re trying to but you can’t. You can’t keep still and you can’t stop crying and you can’t stop **thinking**.

 _Whizzer’s gone he’s dead you won’t ever see him again. Dad is gonna go soon he's gay so he’s going to die he’s going to die and there’s nothing you can do about it. Mom won’t be able to handle it she's been suicidal before if dad dies mom goes with him and he_ **_will_ ** _die so so will she. Whizzer is dead and soon your parents will be too. You’ll be alone. Charlotte is a doctor and everybody is dying she won’t have time to talk to the kid of her dead friends. Maybe she won’t want to it’ll be too painful same thing with Cordelia. They’ll lose contact they’ll leave. You’ll be alone. Your family was seven now it’s six soon it’ll be two. You’ll be alone. You had four parents now you have three soon you’ll have one. You’ll be alone. Everyone’s going to die they’re all going to die or they’re all going to leave you. You’ll be alone. There’s nothing you can do to stop it, you’ll be alone.  
_

_You’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbealonyou’llbeal-_

“Jason?” You hear Mendel’s voice through the bedroom door. You start crying harder and hug the pillow tighter, trying to get a hold of yourself. You can’t. _He’s going to see you as if he doesn’t have enough to worry about you’ll just make things worse._

“Jason? Can I come in?” You hear him again and then the creak of the door. _Mendel will still be here he’s going to stay right? He wouldn’t kill himself? He wouldn’t leave? No he wouldn’t. He wouldn't he couldn’t he won’t. Then what? It’s just you and him. Your family was seven and soon it’ll be two._

You feel a hand gently pressed on your back and you think you hear a voice that doesn’t get through. You bury your face deeper into the pillow, you can’t look at him. You're hyperventilating.

 _And you can’t kill yourself because you can’t do that to Mendel you have to stay you’re going to live in an empty house and your mom and dad and Whizzer will be dead and Charlotte and Cordelia will leave and_ **_you’ll be alone._ **

“Jason, breathe.” You hear him, he breathes, you try to, you can't, “You’re ok, Jason,” he talks slowly and you can feel his hand rubbing circles on your back, your mind is still racing. _you’llbealoneyou’llbealoneyou’llbe-_ “you’ll be ok, you’ll get through this, I promise, I’m here.” You sob harder. “I’m here, I’m right here,” his hand helps ground you, _he’s here_ “You’re ok, you’re doing great, you’ll get through this,” you still feel like you're out of breath and you hate that can't control yourself but the tears are starting to lessen. “Breathe in,” he does, you follow, even if you’re still shaking “breathe out,” you both do. “Breathe in. Breath out,” repeat. 

You’re able to calm down slightly. You're still shaky and your breathing is unsteady, but it's better, you're better.

“Do you want me to get you some water?” You shake your head immediately.

“S-st-t-tay,” you can barely speak through your breathing, the words are hard to get out. You want to take Mendel’s hand but you’re afraid to move. It feels like you will break.

Mendel nods. “Can I lay here with you?” You nod and you try to regulate your breathing. It's too hard, you don't understand it. Why can't you just breathe? _Why can't they just stay?_

He somehow finds a way to fit in the tiny space beside you in bed, your pillow between you two. You snuggle closer to him and he does the same, allowing you to somewhat bury your face on the crook of his neck. He puts an arm around you and proceeds to rub soothing circles on your back. 

“Do you want to talk?” No. Yes. Maybe. You don’t know. Will it help? It’s not like he could do anything to stop any of it. You still want to tell him. It’s Mendel, you can tell him anything.

“I-I-I-.” You stop. You can’t get your voice to stop shaking and your eyes are watering again. Saying out loud will make it real.

“It’s ok, take your time,” he assures you. You breathe.

“Wh-Wh-Whi-Whizzer d-died. D-dad-d is als-so going t-to. Mm-om is g-going-. Sh-she’s no-t-t going to be-e able to t-t-take it,” your voice cracks, you’re starting to cry again. You hate how helpless you feel “and-d then- and then Ch-charlot-te an-nd Cordelia are g-going to l-ea-ve and I’ll b-be alone” you’re sobbing “ev-verybod-dy is going to-o le-eave and I’ll b-be al-lone.”

You're crying really loudly now. You hate it. Mendel gets closer and hugs you tighter. He strokes your hair. “Hey, hey. You’re **not** going to be alone. We’re not gonna leave you. Mom is ok. She’s- she’s being strong and she would never leave you. She’s **not** going to leave you. Neither will Charlotte and Cordelia. They love you very much and they’re going to stay with you, Jason, no matter what. You won’t lose them. You won’t lose them, and you won’t lose mom, and you won’t lose me. - I’m not going anywhere, I am always going to be here for you.”

You don’t know if you believe him, you don’t know what to believe. You know you sound dramatic but it doesn't make it not true. The idea of Whizzer's death also felt insane before it happened. Your chest tightens. It feels like your life is collapsing around you. It feels like the Earth is crumbling underneath your feet. It's true, it feels like the end of the world. _What about dad?_

You don’t say it, but he hears you. “Dad… He’s always going to be with you, one way or another," he tries, your lip trembles, "You’ll always have his memories and-”

“I don’t want-t his memories. I want him here. With me.”

“I know.” He does. “I know. And I am so, **so** sorry, Jason.”

Your body still trembles but Mendel’s embrace keeps you safe. He loves you. Your mind starts to get less foggy. The words, finally out, can stop spinning around in your brain, stop suffocating you.

Life still sucks.

“I can’t tell you he’s going to be ok. Nobody knows what’s gonna happen. We’re all scared. But he’s here now. He’s here, and he loves you so much. And no matter what happens, you are **not** going to be alone. Mom isn’t going anywhere. She’s also scared and she’s also suffering but she’s a fighter, just like you. And she loves you so much. I promise you I will take care of her, ok? I’ll be by her side. She’s going to be ok." He can't see you but you nod. You take the pillow out of the way. You can breathe. "Charlotte and Cordelia would never dream of leaving you. They’re your family, they love you, they care about you, and they would never, ever leave. And I promise you, with all of my heart, that I’ll always be here. You’re my son, ok? I love you more than anything in the world. Ok, maybe mom is up there with you but that’s it. I’m staying. We’re staying. You’re not going to be alone, Jason.”  
  
  


You stop shaking.

**Author's Note:**

> well that's a hot mess. oh what a trip through unpleasant memory lane. hope you digged it. 
> 
> thank @BigBraveBoop for encouraging me to write in second person and check out her falsetto stuff, she fucking rules
> 
> leave a comment if you liked it <3
> 
> title from "so big/so small" from dear evan hansen


End file.
